I hate animals. I hate them so much that the thought of putting their flesh in my mouth disgusts me.

I have nothing but contempt for people who believe in things. Religion, social justice, Tempurpedic pillows, cardio, science, divestment, Google, racism, equality, quinoa, feminism, misogyny, kombucha, math, gluten-free, fair trade, organic, individually toed shoes – it’s all wrong. Everyone is wrong all the time; if you’re thinking a thought right now, there is a 100% chance that it’s wrong. Deists are wrong for believing in Deism, atheists are wrong for believing in atheism, and the millions of beliefs in between are wrong because they’re wrong.

What if one of them just nailed it though? How stupid would we all look? What if the Zoroastrians had the answer all along, and when Ahura Mazda prevails over the Angra Mainyu thus initiating the final cosmic renovation, us 99.9% of nonbelievers never get to reunite our urvan with our fravashi? How would that be, right? I don’t know if I can afford to take that risk, frankly, I’m heading down to my local Zarathushtrian Assembly and sacrificing a bull to Saoshyant ASAP.

At this point, I’m rooting for the Zoroastrians, or the Bahai’i, or the Shintoists – just so when their version of the apocalypse comes, I can look at everyone around me who ever believed in anything else and say, “Ha! You were wrong!,” and then gently float off to an eternity in Shinto Hell or whatever. That’s what you get for buying Vibram Fivefingers instead of doing your purification rituals you douchebag. I hope you like barefoot training in Hell when Azi Dahaka invokes the Bridge of Judgement you 60 kilo deadlifting stick.


Dude, I’m so hungry. That wasn’t the real me talking, that was the dude in the Snickers commercial who turns into Joe Pesci and offends women when he hasn’t eaten in an hour, but then he eats a Snickers and turns back into an average, socially fluent Caucasian youth.

But I can’t have a Snickers because of my strict adherence to the veganism, so I’m just gonna continue being asshole Joe Pesci for the next month. I’ve been vegan for 8 days, I’ve cheated at least twice, and I already want to kill myself. My best bet at surviving this month is going to be a CamelBak filled with Red Bull, Gatorade, and Hummus. That’s the only way I can ensure being hydrated, caffeinated, and fed at all times.

I don’t remember the reason why I’m doing this. I want to lose a bunch of weight, that’s definitely part of it, but that’s not exclusive to being vegan. I agree that it’s a morally and ecologically responsible lifestyle, but, as you just read, stuff like that doesn’t mean a whole lot to me. I hate animals, so that can’t be it. I’m not trying to impress some indie record store employee with purple hair, a nose ring, and a passion for chia seeds (though she does sound exquisite).


I just want to know something first-hand. Not from a misquoted study, not from some generically held folk belief, and not from a priori assumption, but from actual experience. I want to do something for a month, see how I feel, remember that feeling, process that into knowledge, and hold it as a belief. Then I’ll repeat the process until I can actually speak – with several caveats, of course – from experience.

Vegans say I’m going to have so much energy, my body’s going to rid itself of toxins, and I’m going to experience some form of spiritual enlightenment. Non-vegans think my muscular system is going to atrophy and I’ll turn into a flaccid, holier-than-thou mess of a human being. I think I’m gonna be really hungry and mad all the time, because that’s been the case thus far.

Even though I’ve changed my diet, I wholly refuse to change my dietary lifestyle, which is what led me to make these health-conscious monstrosities.
Vegan Chili Dog and Vegan Double Chili Cheeseburger
(Tastes like textured soy protein and darkness)


Vegan No-Bean Chili
I’m really proud of this recipe. Most “vegan chili” is misnomered vegetable soup with a can of tomatoes and chickpeas arbitrarily thrown in. This recipe captures the essence of a fatty, meaty, spicy, chili dog-ass chili without violating animals’ rights to autonomy or whatever.

4 2.5 oz vegan burger patties (all the same)
6 oz Soyrizo
1/2 large diced yellow onion
1 diced poblano
1 diced jalapeno
4 diced tomatillos
1 cup tomato puree
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 cup flour
1 cup dark beer (Velvet Merlin Oatmeal Stout)
1 cup vegetable stock
4 Tbsp Chili Powder
Salt, Pepper, and Cayenne to taste

1) Heat 1/2 cup olive oil on medium heat in a large soup pot. Add onion, poblano, and soyrizo and sautee until the onions are translucent, about 5 minutes.
2) Add your flour and stir the mixture together with a wooden spoon. Cook until a loose roux forms, stirring often, about 3 minutes.
3) Add the beer and vegetable stock and continue to stir until it has been incorporated with, and thickened by, the roux. Add any additional liquid if need be, because, let’s be honest, what do I know about recipes?
4) Throw your vegan burger patties into a food processor and process until a fine, meatless dust forms. Throw into your chili pot, and stir to incorporate. This gives it that real ground beef texture without any of the ground beef immorality.
5) Add the rest of your ingredients, stir, reduce the heat to low, and let simmer for as long as you feel like big homie.

Jalapeno Escabeche
I got the recipe from La Cocina de Leslie, and you can check it out right here.

Kimchi Mustard
This is one of those game changing condiments, especially if you’re eating vegan and everything inherently tastes like dirt. Add that fermented, spicy, vinegary punch of kimchi mustard and you get perked right.

1/2 cup yellow mustard
1/4 cup kimchi (guesstimate, son)
1 Tbsp Sriracha

1) Throw in a food processor.
2) Process.

Put it on Burgers and Hot Dogs and Stuff
Make some vegan hot dogs and vegan burgers, and throw all that chili and escabeche and kimchi mustard on it You’re welcome.


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